Taxol, the last chemo drug I was given, is made from yew trees - usually, Taxus brevifolia, the Pacific yew. This is a tree I know. A tree I’ve hugged! So it may sound funny but I am mildly offended that my body did not tolerate this medication.
After previous chemo sessions, I would have a flow wherein I felt pretty good for the first couple of days afterward thanks to the steroids. Then I would have a couple days where I felt real bad and didn’t want to leave home, and it would swing back up from there until the next treatment. This was a workable pattern, and allowed me to know when I was going to be able to get a few things done.
After my last chemo treatment, just over two weeks ago, I had new symptoms pop up, such as the neuropathy I mentioned previously. But also, I never had the upswing after a couple bad days. I just felt worse and worse for nearly the entire two weeks. So when I had my check-in with my oncologist, I was done and not willing to do chemo the next day. I was planning to see if we could take a break and maybe get some scans, but my labwork backed up what I was feeling. I had severe anemia and other signs that I just was not going to tolerate the Taxol.
So no more chemo!
My primary mass has shrunk quite a bit, and I’m ready for surgery in just over a month. Of course, now surgery is currently scheduled for 3 days before a camping trip I’ve very been looking forward to and which was supposed to be between chemo and surgery. The camping cannot be rescheduled - getting a nice site on a weekend in July was a challenge the first time.
My cough is still here. I’m taking leftover steroids that would have normally been for after chemo. Shhhhhhh, they help. I’ve been referred to a pulmonologist but my appointment isn’t for nearly 3 weeks. Some of the cough is likely from my pulmonary embolisms, but I know that isn’t all because I’ve had it since I had a cold I got from The Wife before I even started chemo. A new chest Xray indicated some infection or inflammation. I hope something changes or the pulmonologist can do something because it’s been 3 months of coughs.
During the week I was feeling the absolute worst since starting my cancer treatment, The Husband and I had a wedding. It was lovely and some of his family flew out and some friends came and The Wife said some great stuff about love and queerness. I barely made it through the ceremony and a few bites of cake before I needed to go lay down for a few hours. We’d planned the wedding before diagnosis, and early on decided to stick with the plan. If I’d known exactly how bad I would feel, I would have decided otherwise, but I didn’t know so we went through with it.
I spent our short honeymoon mostly sleeping. I needed help with everything, including bathing. We had a nice view of the ocean, though!
Things were not ideal. But I felt cared for and I know there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to celebrate more. We’re celebrate-y people. And really, perfection is not the point of love or relationships. Sometimes you just gotta pivot when reality doesn’t match up with your desires and/or the chemo isn’t sustainable. No use fighting ourselves even to our own detriment.
I’m feeling a little better than I was a few days ago, but I am still super weak and the neuropathy is still present. I have no idea where the time has gone - I have been mainly zoning in my phone. My brain wants to do things my body isn’t up for, and that’s frustrating but yet another reality I need to accept. Here’s to hoping that things get smoother from here for a bit.
Thanks for reading!